Isn’t it nice to be given special treatment? Or to be treated like you’re very important?
This is the kind of thing we expect from the hospitality industry, like hotels or restaurants.
It’s also the kind of thing we desire for ourselves. It’s like the rest of our lives tell us we’re not special, like we’re not deserving of being treated kindly or generously. So, when we treat ourselves to fancy meal or to something else we wouldn’t normally have, we expect that people should bend over backward to make us feel good.
At least that’s the story we tell ourselves.
But there’s often another story that we aren’t always aware of. Here’s my version of it.
When I was younger, I was told by several people that I was special. They felt I had abilities other people did not. So, I, as my young self, thought that I deserved to be placed on a pedestal.
Much of my life at that point, then, was oriented around demonstrating my “specialness” to everyone I encountered.
And, in that sense, I was “special”.
In fact, I was so “special” that few people wanted to spend much time with me.
You can imagine how this made me feel.
On the one hand, I believed, quite strongly, that I was special. But, on the other hand, I couldn’t understand why other people didn’t see this in me. Talk about inner conflict!
It wasn’t until much later in life that I realized what was going on.
Here are some of the key lessons as I see them:
1. You’re never exactly the person you think you are
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll have probably guessed I like stories.
Well, guess what, we all like stories.
In fact, we’re telling ourselves stories all the time: stories about ourselves, stories about our families, our co-workers, our politicians, our countries, etc.
Our stories are what our lives are all about.
And, who doesn’t want their life to be a good story with a happy ending?
So, sometimes if we think our lives aren’t good stories, but we really want them to be, we work very hard to tell ourselves and others the stories we want our lives to be.
Now, technically, this isn’t lying because we all do it. But, it is selective gathering of facts.
And, if we really really want our lives to look a certain way, we work that much harder to make them fit into the stories we want to tell.
We can even become so convinced of our stories that when someone offers us a perspective that doesn’t fit our story, we deny it, sometimes violently.
When this happens, we then have to make a choice: am I myself, or am I my stories?
My stories will always be based on some facts, but not all.
So who am I if I’m not my stories?
2. My story is never just my story
If I spent most of my life in a dark box, then my story would by my story. But it wouldn’t be very interesting, would it?
Or maybe it would be . . . I’ve never lived most of my life in a dark box . . .
But that’s precisely the point!
Very few people live their lives in a dark box. Rather, we’re always interacting with other people. We have friends, families, co-workers, teammates, and many others we share our lives with.
And, guaranteed, anyone who knows you, even slightly, has an opinion about you.
Now, if you’re the least bit insecure, you’re probably wondering where you can get a clean pair of pants right now.
But that too is the point.
No matter how much we like to think of ourselves in certain ways, it is not always true that others think of us in the same way.
So, where does the truth lie?
It’s not entirely in my stories about myself. But neither is it entirely in the stories that other people tell about me.
How can you learn the truth about yourself?
3. The truth you seek can never be found in stories
If you’re always looking for a good story about yourself, one that captures all your hopes and dreams, making them all come true, you can stop looking now. You’ll never find it.
Ever thought about writing a great novel? Congratulations! You’ve probably done it a million times, every time you imagine a new life for yourself.
Any story that isn’t grounded in the realities of your life right now is . . . wait for it! . . . just a story.
So, the biggest piece of work any of us has to do is link the stories we tell ourselves with the deepest realities of who we are.
This means we need to strip away, eliminate, get rid of, discard, throw out (you get the picture) anything in our stories that does not truly belong to us.
I’ve written about this before.
Inevitably this means a lot of pain and heartache.
It’s so easy to get attached to our stories about ourselves–both the good and the not so good.
Once we start working to discover what’s really ours in our stories, it means we need to give up lots of things that aren’t really ours.
And this can really hurt, because we’ve become so attached to our stories that we can’t imagine ourselves without them.
But this is where the real mojo happens.
If you can learn to let go of your stories, you can also learn to be a different person.
Imagine that–you want a new life? All you have to do is let go of all the stories you’ve told yourself about yourself up to this point.
Sound too good to be true?
Well, here’s the real point:
4. Truth can only be found in your being
If you want to find the truth of yourself, give up trying to tell yourself who you are.
Instead, try simply being with yourself for at least five minutes.
If you start fidgeting, getting anxious, looking for distractions, start thinking about what you’ll watch on Netflix this evening–congratulations, you’re looking for ways to get away from yourself!
See, the true you, the real you, can only be found in inner silence.
“Hang on, wait a minute!” you’re probably saying, “I thought being really myself was showing off my uniqueness, my specialness!”
Yes . . . but also not yes . . .
When you enter silence, you begin to let your stories go. You begin to realize that all the stories you tell about yourself, all the stories others tell about you are nothing but . . . well . . . stories.
If you want to find the true story of who you are, you have to realize that, in many ways, you are not the best teller of your story.
So, if you’re not the best teller of your story, who is?
The answer?
Your life. Plain and simple.
How does the old saying go? “A person won’t be judged by their words; rather their actions will judge them.”
What does this mean?
If you have great stories about yourself–great, well done! You’re a wonderful storyteller.
If you work hard, deal honestly, seek to improve the lives of those around you in whatever way you can–great, well done! You’re a good person.
But where does true greatness lie?
If you become so comfortable with yourself that your simply being with another person helps them become more comfortable with themself–that is truly a great accomplishment.
What to do now?
It seems the world has too many storytellers at the moment. One person says one thing; another person says another.
There are so many stories out there that it’s hard to know where the truth can be found.
But what if we all started letting our stories go? What if we started being silent with ourselves? What if we started bringing ourselves to our interactions with others, rather than our stories?
Would this help others be who they are because we’ve worked so hard simply to be?
Now wouldn’t that make for a different story!
Disclaimer: The advice and suggestions offered on this site are not substitutes for consultation with qualified mental or spiritual health professionals. The perspectives offered here are those of the author, not of those professionals with whom readers might have relationships as clients or patients. In crisis situations, readers are encouraged to contact these professionals for appropriate support and treatment if needed.
Reflective Life 